u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
