so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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