I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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