Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
