Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
