You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
