i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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