bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
