so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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