Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Randomize
