I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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