We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
