The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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