She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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