is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
