i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
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