Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Randomize
