remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I think my fart just growled at me.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
