so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
