we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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