What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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