While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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