there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I don't deserve a penis
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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