at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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