Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
