I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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