if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I think a kid would responsible me up
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
