Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
