I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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