woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
