How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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