You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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