She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
It's shark week go big or go home
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
