I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I just blew my weed a kiss
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I think pants incapable of making pants work
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
