you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
