why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
There's always time for handjobs
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
