I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
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