My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
