pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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