So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
