im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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