don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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