my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
