Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
