when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
