dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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