Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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