so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Two words: nipple clamps
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