note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
