fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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