i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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