Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Randomize
