I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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