I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
