Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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