Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
