i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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