mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Randomize
