Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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