Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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