I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
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Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
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Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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