Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
