i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
