I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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