I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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