Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
